........And, here's the real truth. The day before I met Eli, my flight had been delayed and I was exhausted. I was completely tired from lack of sleep. Rosemary never slept (and until even recently hardly did) and I was always up with her all night. It took her forever to get to sleep and then she was up half the night when she finally did. I had just gotten a new job and had finally gotten some of my training out of the way and I think I even took some work with me on the plane, but I can't remember now. All I know is I was so tired and really wanted to cry when I arrived right back in Guatemala. I walked through that airport that I had triumphantly carried my daughter out of less than a year before. I walked through customs and could not believe my passport was getting yet another "Guatemala" stamp. I had just gotten 4 of them with Rosemary and didn't think I would be coming back for years - and only then it would be to return with Rosemary for a visit. I never dreamed I would be coming back so soon as a single mom still feeling my way (still am!) for yet another infant - when my daughter was only 15 months old. And, yet again here I was walking out of the same airport, seeing the same children begging for food. I hailed my hotel shuttle and seemed to carry on the same conversations with other adoptive parents and truly my head was spinning. I checked in, went to room and couldn't do anything but walk around and cry. I could not believe I was going to do this again. For a millllllion different reasons....I really wasn't sure I could give my heart away to another baby. How could I love another child like I love Rosemary? I felt love for Eli already because he was her brother, I knew he was born, I knew he was my son, I knew he was supposed to be my son, but I had not yet been his mother. And, I also knew I was begging to get my heart ripped out again. For those of you who don't know, I got to visit Rosemary and keep her in the hotel with me and mother her and love her and then when it was time for me to leave, I had to hand her back over. To her foster mother - who propped her bottles and strapped her to the changing table of a pack and play and left her in the dark because she claimed Rosemary wouldn't sleep "in the light" so that she had a flat head and didn't fully turn over for months. And, she took pictures of it as though she was proud which made me always wonder what I didn't see. And, she fed her whole milk instead of formula and I know because she gave me a whole bottle of it while I was there. And, Eli had the same foster mom - who was probably one of the better ones in Guatemala. So, yes, I was begging to get my heart ripped out of my chest. I was begging for depression, anxiety, worry to creep back up on me again. And, I just didn't want to do it. This, too, was simply a visit trip. I would have to leave Eli again in a matter of days with the foster mother - in a third world country. I had just read several posts about infants dying of pneumonia and other diseases. There are always so many things to worry about when you leave - on top of the obvious: leaving your baby in another country in the care of a stranger. What was I going to do? But, then I had a little talk with myself and decided I knew, absolutely knew that I was supposed to have this child. He was Rosemary's biological sibling. He had been a complete surprise (shock!) I had prayed about it and the pieces had all fallen into place and my tiredness and those lonely Guatemala memories weren't going to sway me. I pushed them aside and decided it didn't matter if I didn't bond with this baby instantly like I did with Rosemary. I had taken her upstairs to the hotel room, changed her clothes and just held her with tears streaming down my face because, well, I finally had my baby in my arms. I mean, statistics say most adoptive parents don't bond with their babies instantly - it takes some time. So, I decided not to push myself - just let it be. Whatever happened - would happen. Just trust.
And, fast forward to the next day - and the story I told Eli is absolutely true. He looked at me and I held him and I wanted to wrap my arms around him and protect him from the world and make him my baby and run right out with him. I wanted to smother his sweet little smiling face in kisses. It really was love at first sight. And, we grew. That is the great thing about love. It stretches. And, boy can we stretch at our house. Amazingly, there is not a limit on love. It is, indeed, boundless as they saying goes. So, of course, I love Eli as much as I love Rosemary - and I love each one so differently. Each child has such unique little ways and they are such individuals! Polar opposites! Best friends and mortal enemies! "Frenemies!"
So - that is the story of the day I met Eli. And, he was born on September 5, 2007 on his birthmother's birthday. I can't even begin to imagine what she must have felt on that day - I only know that I am thankful to her for making such an important decision for her precious, precious son. And, my birthday is September 7th. So, he's the best birthday gift I could have ever received. Only I didn't even know. So, every year I get really nostalgic just thinking how I had no idea how sweet that day reallllly was.
Eli will be 4 on Monday. He has turned into such a sweet precious little boy who loves pizza and even thanks God for it in his prayers at night (his sister thanks Him for Dancing with the Stars - so prayer time is always cute.) He also adores cheese dip in a way that seems impossible. He eats more - and always has - than any child his age should. He sometimes even eats more than my dad. He loves Thomas the Tank Engine and wants his birthday cake to be the exact same Thomas cake as last year. Since he was 2 he has been able to build the most amazing train tracks complete with bridges and tunnels. He can complete a puzzle like no ones business. His mothers day out had to buy new locks when he was little because he broke theirs when he was little - even though they've had the same ones for like 20 years and no other child has broken them. If I need something figured out, sometimes I ask Eli. I have literally asked him to break our old child locks off. He has the cutest little voice ever. Sometimes he emphasizes things and his voice gets really deep. He has a really hilarious, sarcastic sense of humour which I completely love. He loves his Nana (my mom) and likes to hang out in the kitchen with her. He adores his Boo Boo (my dad) and wants to build train tracks and watch train movies and build things and well, generally be in the same room as him. He plays with his sister (and watches after her and cries when she wants him to leave her room. He still sleeps with his bear. He only recently stopped hanging onto me when it's time to leave him at school. He looooves his mommy. He is the official light "turner onner" for his sister because - even though they are the same heighth - his arms are longer. He plays with his sister dutifully and will be "the baby" (and he's a terrible baby, mind you) or the student (much better student) and lets her boss him around and even lets her tell him what to say in play and in social situations. He won't hesitate to hit her across the face with a metal Tonka truck if he thinks she's gone too far (he is sooo not perfect.) He sleeps through the night, but on the very rare occasion when he is sick or can't get to sleep or wakes up through the night, he lets me sing him to sleep - and goes out immediately when I bring back those songs I used to sing to him in the dark all those years ago. He screams with a cry my friends claim they have never, ever heard in a child. It is something for the record books. And, then when his sister isn't around you never even know he's around. He plays so quietly - entertaining himself for hours. I started this blog post last night while he was asleep and was just making some last minute repairs....he ran in here just a second ago...."Mommy, I love you," and ran out. No reason. That's my baby. He is such a boy. Very frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. Very. And very sweet. And very rotten. And precious. I am thankful for the unexpected and for prayers I never prayed. And for God knowing what I needed before I did. And, for being faithful and for letting my family and my love stretch. And for the most precious gift I never knew I needed very, very much named Eli.
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